Neverlost
by Carolluz
Summary: A different ending for Jacob and Bella. A better ending. My first fanfic ever! Please, guys, read and review! You'll make me very happy!


It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining in an orange kind of light, reaching the buildings troughtout the town and turning them into an old autumn painting. I could hear the singing of the birds, so sweet it made my chest ache. From my apartment window I could see the sky, so blue it was almost an echo of a distant ocean. As I looked down at the street, I could see children laughing and playing so unconcerned and free. They were oblivious to all the horror and the magic. They didn't know what I knew. They were happy...

Memories came flashing trough my mind. Memories I could not banish from my head. A day, so different from this one. So cold and full of worry. And yet, so warm and safe. The day I laid side by side with a friend in a freezing tent. The day I kissed a soulmate. The day I found and lost love.

It had been tree years now. I was married to the reason of my existence and lived in an apartment near campus. Well, we weren't really married. I wore his ring but we hadn't officialized it. It was a compromise we made. We did have a reception, though. Alice would be devasted if we didn't. And I couldn't deny her anything.

I was majoring in English Literature the next fall. I always thought we were foolish for waiting another year so I could become one with Edward forever. But he had insisted that I should had as much human experiences as possible. "College", he said, "is something you don't want to miss! And after the trasformation you will have to spend a long time away from humans. You should enjoy their company as long as you can."

I tried to reason with him, telling him I never enjoyed human company that much in the first place. But Edward was irreducible. So I gave in. After a semester, I was the one asking for more time. It wasn't that I was having too much fun. Edward and the Cullens weren't attending classes. They were gone for a vast period of time, away hunting, and I spent a lot of time by myself.

All that time had a terrible efect on me. I started to think, and thinking I remember. And remembering I suffered. I was just a girl when I decided to give my whole life, my intire future up to be with this gourgeous creature that, for some reason I would never quite understand, wanted to be with me for eternity. At that time, I didn't know the first thing about myself. I only saw him. Edward. My perfect and flawless god. I would do anything to be with him, even if it killed me. Even if it hurt everyone I've ever loved. Edward...

After all theses years of living together I discovered a few things about him. He was capable of being incredibly nobel just to be selfish a minute later. He could make my blood run fast just to cool me with his icy touch. He could sound like an ancient spirit and yet do foolish things. He was a series of contradictions I've never been aware of. I discovered that Edward was just like me. If you don't count the supernatural part, of course.

Another thing I found out was that, to him, I was as flawless as I once thought he was. He could forgive anything, everything. He forgave my foolish actions, my selfshiness, my love for Jacob. Oh, Jacob...

The bottom line was that Edward didn't see me for who I was. To him, I was perfect. The perfect complement of who he wasn't and could never be. I was human, he was a god. We could complete each other. We could have been happy. If I hadn't known any better.

But I had. I had known Jacob. The warmth, the safeness, the life. I thought I new who I couldn't live without. Time just proved me wrong one more time.

He wasn't on my mind every waking hour. But now and then I would remember his smile, the touch of his skin, the darkness of his eyes. And it pained me to recall all those days so long ago when he opened his arms to me and fixed my heart like it was a broken car in his hands. He brought me back to life and I loathed myself for walking away from him after everything that he's done for me.

Sometimes, the regret was so great that the ache in my chest overhelmed me. It was different from when Edward left. I didn't know the reasons then. I didn't even know who I was. But I knew now. And it was even harder, because this time around I was the one who walked away. I was the coward who bailed. I was to blame.

That day, that perfect sunny day, I made a decision. I wiped the tears from my eyes and wrote the most difficult letter I've ever written. I left it by the nightstand and went out the door. That was it. I wasn't coming was goodbye.

I arrived at Forks the next morning. I dind't tell Charlie or anyone I was back. There was only one person I wanted to see. And if he didn't want to see me I was not staying. I would go as far away as possible and let him live his life. It was the least I could do.

As I drove to La Push my heart has bumping in my chest. I was so nervous I couldn't breath. Scenes kept playing in my head, scenes of hugs and joy, smiles and happyness, kisses and Jacob. My Jacob...

I knew it was a long shot. We haven't seen each other since my fake wedding reception. He was so sad then. But also resigned. He new then I was a lost cause. I started feeling nauseated. What if Jacob had gave up on me? What if he had moved on? Worse: what if he was still heartbroken? I couldn't stand the thought of my Jacob hurting because of me.

As I parked the rented car outside his house, all those old memories started to pop inside my head. So many afternoons we spent here. And all that time I was so oblivious I didn't realize how happy I was. Even with the pain, even with Edward gone. I has happier then than all the time I had spent with the Cullens after that. Because Jacob, that wonderful boy, knew who I was. He didn't love a fantasie of me. He really knew me. Before I ever did.

I knocked on the door, my heart beating so fast I thought it would explode. Seconds later someone answered. The face I saw in front of me was dark and beautiful, a big white smile lighting it. It wasn't Jacob's.

"Can I help you?", she said, in a sweet voice.

"I'm looking for Jacob". I was so shocked to see a woman there. Especially one so beautiful. I had to admit to myself then how narcisistic I had been. Of all the possibilities, I never actually thought Jacob would have found another woman. But that made all the sense in the world. He was sweet and kind and handsome. He should be very happy. A lump in my throat was begining to form.

"Oh, he is expecting you. He's at the beach".

I was almost crying, so deep into my misery that I almost didn't hear what she said. Seconds later I was running, running to the beach, running to Jacob, running to my life...

He was facing the water, an atmosphere of calmess surounding him. My heart just stopped for a moment as I comtemplated his figure. The mild sun caressed his skinf making believe he was glowing. But it wasn't anything supernatural. It was his own personal glow, his soul shined so bright it always made me think of the sun.

As I approuched him, I could see he flinch. He must have sensed or smelled me. I knew not how he would react. I stopped behind him, finding it difficult to figure out what to say.

He, as usual, as the first to break the ice.

"How come you still smell like strawberries? I would have tought your scent would turn sweetter, sickingly sweeter. Or is this just an olfactive hallucination?"

He was teasing but I could hear his voice crack. In that moment, I didn't think of anything. I just walked the steps separating me from him and enlaced him in a much needed much waited hug.

I was crying so much and saying disconected things like: "Jake", "Miss", "Long" and "Always".

After a while, my emotions calmed down and I started to pay attention in more than just my joy of seeing him. I felt him rigid in my warms and realized he wasn't hugging me back. Slowly I raised my head so I could look into his eyes. And what I saw made me shiver. It wasn't sadness or happiness. It wasn't even anger. His eyes were calm and placid like a lake in a windless day. He looked at me and smiled a little but it wasn't my smile, the one I have seen in my dreams every night for the past three years. No. This was the wrong smile, the condecendent smile, Sam's smile.

"I'm glad you're well and alive, Bella". It was all he said to me.

"Jake, what happend to you?"

He looked confused and amused at the same time. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you don't look yourself, for one thing. I mean, physically you're the same but you don't seem the same..." I was getting nowhere with this. I didn't even know how to explain what I felt when I looked into his calm eyes.

He looked down on me, a teasing smile crooking his lips. "Oh, you mean, why am I not holding you desperately and trying to kiss you after you desapeared all those years ago without even saying good bye?"

I looked down to my feet. I was feeling embarassed for everything I've done and all the pain I caused. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him. I wanted to make him understand how lost I was when I left, so caught up in my desperation to live my first love that I dind't realize another love, a greater love was brought into my life. I wanted to tell him everything I'd learned about Edward and our relationship, about him e myself. I wanted to share all of this with him. Most of all, I ached to tell him this was the real thing, my love for him was what made me realize who I was underneath all the masks and where I wanted to be.

I faced his eyes one more time resolved to say it all. And it was then that he started to laugh. He laughed for several minutes and so hard that I tough he was going to have a stroke. I was petrified. I couldn't move. What was the meaning of all that? Was the site of me after all theses years enough to make him go insane?

"You are such a girl, Bella Swan! All deep and tortured, like that old bloodsucker of yours. No wonder you fell in love with each other!"

I was so shocked I couldn't say anything. When he looked at me, his eyes suddenly serious, and asked: "Why are you here?" I seemed to have finally found my words.

"I left him". That was it. I said it out loud for the first time. And it was final. I was amazed at how it didin't hurt to say that at all. But this, being so close and yet feeling him so far from me, this hurt like a thousand knifes cutting trough my heart.

He made a face, a grimace rising in his lips. "And what, you want me back? You had enough of one life and now you want to try it with me, just to see what you've lost? So you can go back to him when you're done? As if you haven't cause me more pain than is humanly possible to endure!"

He was angry now. And I tough I prefered it that way. I was more confortable with the heat of his anger than his icy calm.

"It's not like that, Jake. Please, hear me out. After that, you can do anything you want. I know I'm in no position to ask you anything, but I'm asking this anyway. For old times sake, just hear me out this once".

He sighed. I looked at his face and suddenlly he seemed very tired. "Fine.", was all he said.

I stared at my hands not knowing where to begin. I breathed in and out and decided not to think it trough and just say what was in my heart.

"Jake, I know I've put you trought a lot. You don't know how much I've regreted the decisions I've made. When I first met Edward, I was so amazed by him! There he was, this mitological creature, everything I've wished for wanting me, wanting to be with me forever! That kind of love, eternal and without limits was all a Shakespeare addict like me wanted from life! And you are right, it was deep and serious and tortured. So tortured that it made me forget how to breath when I was around him. I tought he was perfect. Flawless. And I, I was the definition of defective. I needed to be around him so I could be closer to the perfection I would never possess. And he needed me too, exactly because of my imperfections. He needed me to be human and mortal because it made his eternal existance bearable. And then there was my blood which sang to him in a very powerful way..." I was lost in reminiscences and when I woke up from my reverie, Jacob was still staring at me, his face unreadable.

I decided to cut to the chase.

"When he left I felt my world crumbling down. I had no proof of his existance, of his love for me. I was left alone to think that all of that, all those feelings were a mere dream. And that was just too much to bear. If he'd told me it was real, if he hand't just disappeared in thin air, I think I'd be able to cope with it better. But as it was, I was left with nothing, not even memories. I tought love was supposed to last forever and true love never ended. So when it did, I was lost. The teenager Bella couldn't see past her pain, her grief. She could only see happiness in the past and cold days ahead of her. And it was then, in my darkest hour that you came along. With your selfshiness, your hugs and your love. You healed me! You made me whole again. Back then, I used to thing I was never gonna run right, I was forever stuck with the scars in my heart. And I was right. Everything that happend made me who I am today. Those scars will never leave me but that isn't a bad thing. It's just how it is. And I can leave with that".

I looked at him again trying to find the tiniest bit of simpaty in his face. I found none. He didn't say anything, he didn't even moved. He was all but frozen in front of me and I started to despair imagining what he could be thinking. I almost wished I could have Edwar's abilities. And it made me smile to realize thinking of him wasn't sad, just nostalgic.

I breathed deep again and said the last part of my long speech. The one I dreaded the most because it meant the most. Because it could change the course of the rest of my life. Well, it would change it, regardless of his reaction to what I had to say.

"So, I had a long time to think about things. Years, actually. After the fake marriage I wanted to be turned right away. I think I knew, deep in my heart, that if I had time to think it trough, I would start having doubts. I guess Edward knew it too. And he didn't want me to make a decision this big without measuring the consequences. I must thank him for that. I can only imagine how agonizing it must have been for him knowing ,as I imagine he has for a while now, that my mind was changing. And I really mean my mind. Because my heart, Jake, my heart has changed since the day I had that vision of our life together. Since I realized how much I loved you. And what drove me crazy was thinking how I could ever have fallen in love with you."

"Yeah, go figure...". I jumped, unprepared that I was to even hear his voice, let alone in such a pained tone. I was confused at first but I soon understood he got it all wrong.

"No, Jake. It's not that. It's not that it was difficult for me to love you. On the contrary, it was much too easy. It seemed natural, like breathing. But if I loved Edward so much, if he was the center of my life, more than that, my intire world, how could I love you that much at the same time?"

He didn't answer. He just stood there, staring at me with his lovely dark eyes watered. I felt like crying too but I wouldn't. Not until I said everything I need to say.

"The thing is, Jake, now I know it was never love. It couldn't have been. It was maybe an exhilaration, an eclipse of the reason. But it wasn't love."

"So, Bella, you came here after all these years to tell me you never even loved me in the first place? You've already told me he was the one. I figured as much when you desappeared with him and never looked back. Well, anyway, thanks for the info."

He turned away and left walking fast, almost running back to his house. I was suddenly running too, tears of sadness and joy flashing from my eyes, the mixed feelings that have always filled my heart when it came to Jacob.

I don't even know how I managed to catch up with him given his size and my slowness. It must have been the adrenaline. And the fact that now I knew. I knew after wall these years, after all we've been trough Jacob was still mine. I saw it in his eyes, the torment, the hurt and the longing. He still loved me!

I pulled his arm and asked him to stop. He didn't even seemed to feel my touch. So I cried as loud as I could:

"Jacob Black! You are more stupid than I remembered! Didn't I tell you I left him? Do you really think I could come here to mock you, to laugh at the feelings we both shared, that we still do?"

That stopped him. He turned around and walked slowly but determined back at where I was stanging. Rain started to fall, as if the skies were just waiting for this moment of truth to start a much needed cleansing process.

He looked at me and in his eyes I saw a tempest that mirrored the one being formed in the horizon. I feared his reaction. But there was no going back. This was the turning point. This was the turn of the tide. Our lives would never be the same after that. All my life to that point I had hated change, like a wicked thief that wanted to steal my peace away. But now I welcomed it. I wasn't in peace. I was suffering and so was he. Only the truth, I realized, could set both of us free. Even if I was wrong and he didn't want me, it would still be worth it. I had been running away from the truth for as long as I could remember. It was time to face it.

I started again: "Jake, what I was trying to say is that I was wrong about HIM. What I felt for Edward wasn't love. And I don't think he loved me either. See, what I came to understand is that love is a very human emotion. Vampires are not capable of it. They create a bound with a mate, a bound that is very strong because it helps them survive. It's a codependence bound. That's why I felt so drawn to him. It felt like I couldn't survive without him. But I did. Because of you."

He was facing his feet and I put my hand on his extremely warm cheek, making him look at me.

"Bells, don't. Don't do that to me. Please."

The expression on his face scared me. It was so tortured and so angry at the same time it made me breathless. Still, I didn't lose my resolve. I was here to change things. It was my turn to fix what had been broken. It was high time I fought for his love. And so I would.

"Jake, I'm not here to make you feel bad. I just want you to understand. When I left I thought I was doing the right thing for all of us. I thought you would evetually imprint and have a beautiful life. And he and me would be happy ever after. But this is not a fairy tale, this is real life. And in real life forever is not achived without a lot of struggle and a fair share of pain. Most of all, I dind't want to live a lie anymore. And I couldn't let you believe you didn't mean anything to me. Because, the truth is, Jake, you mean the world to me! You are the one who know me better than I knew myself. You are the one who stood by me when I was a sad broken thing. You are the one who mended my pieces back together. And you are the one who showed me what real love is. Not only the love you felt for me, but also the one that grew in my heart like an ancient oak tree. Bottom line, I came here today to tell you that I was a foolish child back then and I didn't know anything about the world. But I know plenty now, enough to realize that it is you, Jake. It has always been you! I lov..."

"No, no, no. You cannot tell me this, Bella! So stop right there! Don't talk to me about love. I'm tired of this word and you seem to use it quite frivolously. You loved him so much you couldn't breathe without him. Now you never loved him but you love m… No, enough. I've been trough hell after you left. The pack considered trowing me out, I was so annoying. I couldn't think of anything else but you. I thought I was never gonna feel ok again. But time passed. And it got easier. And I almost never think of you anymore. You coming back, I never saw it coming. I wished for it with all my strength, sure, but never tought it would happen. I am glad you are alive and you've finally figured things out. I knew this all along, I knew you loved me but I couldn't make you see it. So maybe is as all my fault." He shrugged. I shivered.

"It doesn't even matter anymore. I… I found someone, Bella. Someone that makes me happy. We've been seeing each other for a while now and we're pretty steady. It's not the same as I felt for you, of course, but it's nice and warm. And it's mutual. I was here waiting for her."

That being said, I could only stare. I felt the blood tumbling in my brain and realized how foolished I was to even consider he would still want me. A thought came to my mind:

"So, is she the one at your house?"

Jake looked confused for a moment. "Hum? Ah, no. That's Rachel, my sister. She told you I was here?"

"Yeah, she said you were waiting for me. Guess she mistook me for someone else"

"Well, she's just come back here. She doesn't know Sarah yet."

"Sarah…"

Speaking her name made my whole body ache. I felt my body tremble and heard a noise so loud I tough was the sound of my heart breaking. But it was only thunder. Nature was furious and tormented. Like me.

"Ok, Jake, so I said what I came to say. I'm happy you found someone that makes you happy. 'Cause you deserve it. You deserve everything. I'm glad you found it with…- it was still difficult to say her name- with Sarah. Be happy, my friend!"

I tiptoed and pressed my lips softly against his. The warmth I felt burned me inside and I started to run again. Away from him, from La Push, from the life I saw all those years ago. Away from love, forever. Forever… Would that word always catch up with me no matter how hard I tried to scape it?

I was crying so hard I couldn't even hear the thunder that shaked the sky. It was breaking, as I was. The sky was crying because it was too much to bear and so was I.

Just when I reached the car I felt a light touch on my shoulder. It was warm under that cold rain. I didn't dare to look. I couldn't. It was too much. He was the one who pulled me to him, squeezing my body to his. All the pain, all the suffering seemed to have collided at that moment. The world stopped when he looked me in the eye and said: "Oh Bells, honey…" And that was it. The world came crumbling down when he kissed me, all softness and despair. Years of longing and yearning crashing down in that one moment. I pressed my body against his so I could feel his heart beating as fast as mine. In that moment we were one. And everything was in its right place.

"Jake…"

"You almost did it. You almost left me again!"

"I thought you didn't want me! I thought…"

"Well, honey, my head didn't. But my stupid heart wants nothing to do with that head. And it has always been yours, Bells, honey!"

I smiled so widely I thought I was going to stretch a muscle. He smiled too and it was back, my smile. When I saw him smile I knew this was right, we were right for each other. And despite everything that had happened I could still make him happy. Up in the skies the gray clouds were dissipating, giving place to an unexpected shining sun.

"Oh, Jake, I love you so much!"

"Love you too. Always have!"

* * *

"And that's how, my dears, I fough for your grandpa's love and won it."

"Wow, that's a great story, grandma!"

"Yes, it really was. And all true."

"Do you think I will find true love onde day, like you and grandpa did?"

"Of course, you will, Mia. But when you do be sure to hold on to it. Love is to precious to be taken for granted."

"Ok, grandma. I will!"

"What have you kids been talking about for so long?"

"Grandma was telling us the story of how you two finally got together. "

"Ah, that's an amazing story!"

"Grandpa, what happened to Sarah?"

"Sarah?"

"Yes, the girl you were dating when grandma found you at the beach."

"Ah… Well, I had a conversation with her. Explain to her how I cared about her but my true love was back in my life and I had to be with her or I would forever regret it. She cried a little but eventualy she understood. You see, Peter, true love has a way of finding you. Sometimes it takes it a long time, but when it comes you know it was worth the wait."

Bella looked at Jacob's face and saw the same boy who once stood in front of her with her and said bluntly she was in love with him. The same boy who told her he loved her and was not going anywhere. And he hasn't. She kissed him soflty and said: "I love you, Jake."

"Love you, Bells. Always have".

"I know…"

He pulled his hand away from her cheek and looked at his grandchildren who seemed mesmerized by their demostration of affect. You see, seeing that kind of love is like withnessing a miracle right in front of you. Like bumping into a unicorn in the middle of the street.

Jake chuckled and asked: "Is anyboby up for pizza?"

"I am!" "Me too!"

"Ok, so let's go to the kitchen and make us some!"

As the kids ran downstairs excited, Bella smiled and said:

"Jake, keep the kids far from the oven. And, please, try no to make a terrible mess!"

His smile was wide and filled his intire face. Her heart almost stopped beating and she was amazed how after all these years and all they've been trough, he still had this effect on her. It was really awesome.

Still smiling, he kissed the top of her head and said: "Sure, sure."

Hearing this expression that was so Jacob's she smiled back at him and thanked the Universe for the wonderful life she'd had and for the clarity of choosing right.


End file.
